Surprises and Misunderstandings

life is far more beautiful than I thought.

I’ve been walking through some difficulties as of late, along with most of you. And yet I see the Lord’s hands at work even in my sorrows. I am so grateful for the many lessons which have only come through suffering. Sometimes I think that suffering is the only thing I’m ok at.

I have been prayerfully contemplating the book of Mark for a while now, and I post my prayers on social media every morning. I’ve been using a sermon series from Tim Keller, one of my favorite teachers. I purchased the transcript collection of his sermons, so I read and also listen to them as part of my contemplation.

But this morning I studied Mark 6:45-52, a passage which Tim Keller has never preached on according to my transcript collection. But I am not one to skip things over, so I asked the Lord yesterday for insight into the passage. Here’s what he gave me this morning:

“He intended to pass them by” (Mark 6:48d)

Who knows what Jesus was up to here? Whatever it was, I’m sure it would have been a wonderful surprise. But the disciples catch him in the act – like children catching a parent in the midst of gift wrapping. Look how our Savior responds. I have been caught in the middle of many schemes of blessing – and watched my plans, which I’ve committed to “for the sake of them,” fall apart. Too many times I’ve allowed frustration to rob me in those moments. And yet the Lord’s response is so much different than mine has been. Oh, how easily I commit to outcomes in His name, only to be angry when those I’m trying to bless catch me in the act. Lord, please open our eyes to the opportunities that come hidden as interruptions!

Oh yes, as he was “walking on the sea” with the intention of passing them by – they saw him. But they also didn’t see him, “they thought it was a ghost and cried out.” The one who not long before calmed the storm with his voice, who just that day had miraculously fed five thousand men with five loaves and two fish. The one who had time and again proven their assumptions wrong with his wonderful grace. But they see a specter – “they all saw him and were terrified.” Oh Jesus how we feel your grief, those of us whose attempts at a loving surprise have been rejected out of fear and misunderstanding. But you understand us, Lord! Oh, how we feel the disciple’s lack of trust; those of us who’ve seen Jesus as a threat to our assumptions, and put walls around our hearts! But you’ve only come to bless us, Father! Please, oh Lord, help us to let go of the assumptions and conclusions which blind us to your Grace.

“For they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.” (v. 52)

How quickly I go back to my hard heartedness after receiving your blessing, Lord! Have mercy on me, a sinner. I am in awe of your patience. How little I deserve it, and how often I’ve been blind to it – in the midst of my own impatience. I too want to row myself across the sea, into the wind, to prove something to myself. But when you’ve shown me that what I was trying to prove was misguided and sinful, too often I’ve overlooked the lesson. Guard us from the desire to control outcomes, Jesus. Thank you for your gentleness. Thank you for stepping into my boat, of which I fancied myself captain. Thank you for ceasing the headwinds, even as I took offense at your help. I thought it was my boat and my task to row into the wind. Forgive my hard heartedness, and vanity, which blind me to your grace. We worship you, Lord God almighty; maker of heaven and earth; voice of reassurance; bringer of peace. 

Almost immediately after posting, I was notified of another death in my family. There is much going on in my life. I know there is much going on in yours. May the Lord open our eyes to the blessings we are tempted to see as undeserved suffering; and remind us that the crown is not promised before the cross.